Like Old Times...

I went to visit my mom this past weekend and ended up driving a U-Haul back to Estero, full of stuff I had been storing in their home. After hours of moving my new bed and other furniture around in the guestroom, I finally decided on the best set up for the small little room. As I started to unload my yearbooks and scrapbooks I had put together so many years ago, I began to flip through the years of memories I created so long ago. It was such a nice time reminiscing of great friends and good times.

As I flipped through the letters and pictures, it made me yearn for the days that love, life, and friends came without hesitation. In those days, you did not hesitate to fall deep and fast in love. Although the love I experienced then is a lot different from the love I experience now. Love and life was a lot less complicated. You always had a song for someone special in your life, whether it was your boyfriend, best friend, or enemy. The sensation of holding hands or that first kiss consumed your thoughts and heart.

I long for those silly school girl feelings. I want to fall fast and hard. I want to live, like I once did, with little caution when it comes to laughing, loving, and living. I want to sing in the car at the top of my lungs and not worry about what the person next to me thinks. I want passion and romance. I don’t want to worry about what others say or think because I live for me and the moment.

At the end of my life, I don’t want to look back and think, wow, I live a smart and cautious life… I want to think WOW! I live vigorously and loved every second of life and took part of everything that was thrown my way.

What I am Looking For

A couple days ago, someone asked me what I am looking for in a guy... my certain "type". This question caught me off guard. For the first time in my life my type did not consist of physical features or specific backgrounds or even futures... my type has transformed into something much more.

As I thought about my specifications and my past relationships, I realized I want a man who loves me. Regardless of their paycheck, or the status they have, or even physical perfection... I want someone who is going to love me old and grey, as much as they loved me young and vibrant. I want a man that stands by me through thick and thin, encouraging me the whole way through. I want a man that regardless of what i say, think, or even look like, will love me just the same. Without love there is nothing. Of course I want a man who loves family and friends, who is just as out going as I am, and has a wonderful outlook on life.

I believe that you only have one shot at this life, you have no choice but to live every second to its fullest. Not to live it up would be a crime.

So Good

For the last several weeks I personally thought I was doing well. I had no regrets about any decisions made and was marching forward. The only time I had shed a tear was when I was informing JKJ that I was leaving.

I am not sure if it was the lack of sleep or because I had just completed my first trip without him that had caused me to breakdown...

I had attended my first NASCAR race down in Homestead, Miami with some of my close friends. We had a fabulous time seeing all the amazingly sculpted mullets, bodies, and redneck outfits. The race was one that went down in the history books with Jimmy Johnson getting his 4th championship in a row!

On the way back to Naples to drop off a friend, I just started to feel a flood of emtions in my head and heart. None of regret or want... but of why. As I explained to my friend, my moment of craziness, I felt for the first time tears fall down my cheeks. Why after 31/2 years I was just able to walk away and not get stopped. Why I unable to get the love I needed. Why... Why... Why...

My dear friend was able to talk some sense into my heart and brain so I was able to sleep that night. The next day I did what I only new how to do and texted the source of my problems. The best thing we both did was be open and honest about all of our concerns and fears. In the end no one but him and I could have answered the questions I know I had... and I am sure he had.

We all have a choice in our lives of which path to start down. I am able to start down my healthy, refreshed, and ready for my new life. For me, I realize now it was probably not healthy to have had an absent of emotion. I am a person filled with emotion. Not to cry or to feel anything ,would not be human for me. I was able to work out some of my feelings I just tucked away...

Hopefully one day JKJ and I will be able to be friends. We have shared too much not to be apart of each others lives in some form. I know I will always have a certain love for him... regardless of where I am in life.

Because I Can

One Way Ticket (Because I can)
LeAnn Rimes

Standing on the border
Looking out into the great unknown
I can feel my heart beating faster as I step out on my own
There's a new horizon and the promise of favorable wind
I'm heading out tonight, traveling light
I'm gonna start all over again

And buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go
I'm gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don't know
I will face the world around me
Knowing that I'm strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in love again
Because I can

Gonna climb the mountain
And look the eagle in the eye
I won't let fear clip my wings and tell me how high I can fly
How could I have ever believed
That love had to be so blind
When freedom was waiting, down at the station
All I had to do was make up my mind

And buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go
I'm gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don't know
I will face the world around me
Knowing that I'm strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in love again
Because I can

Well, I have walked through the fire
And crawled on my knees through the valley of the shadow of doubt
Then the truth came shining like a light on me and now I can see my way out

I'm gonna buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go
I'm gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don't know

I'm gonna buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train
Gonna have my breakfast with some pink champagne
I'm gonna sail the ocean, I'm gonna spread my wings
I'm gonna climb that mountain, gonna do everything.

A New Kind of Blog...For a New Kind of Life.

I recently have changed my life in more ways than one. With that said, I am going to switch up my blog a bit. I have left the security of a full time job for higher education, I have left my boyfriend for a life of fulfillment that I was unable to get with him, and I have also decided to live without a roommate, in order to find my place in this world.

I am a single 20 something woman who is ready to take on life by the horns. I was unable to blog about my feelings when I needed to the most, because of a respect for my ex. The many issues I was dealing in the past was something that had to be taken care of in private. Now that I have figured out the path I want and need to be on, I would like to let the world know that they are not alone.

I hope you enjoy my blog of singleness. Being single does not mean being lonely. In order to be in a successful relationship both people must be comfortable with whom they are within. I am on a search for who I am and what I want out of life. I hope you enjoy stories of dating, schooling, working, and many more adventures.

When I was in search of an apartment and making my final decision to walk away from someone I loved and had been with for over three years, I read this poem and it moved me so much.



When We Two Parted
Lord Bryon

In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever the years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder, thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk, chill on my brow,
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me...
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well..
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears."