For the last several weeks I personally thought I was doing well. I had no regrets about any decisions made and was marching forward. The only time I had shed a tear was when I was informing JKJ that I was leaving.
I am not sure if it was the lack of sleep or because I had just completed my first trip without him that had caused me to breakdown...
I had attended my first NASCAR race down in Homestead, Miami with some of my close friends. We had a fabulous time seeing all the amazingly sculpted mullets, bodies, and redneck outfits. The race was one that went down in the history books with Jimmy Johnson getting his 4th championship in a row!
On the way back to Naples to drop off a friend, I just started to feel a flood of emtions in my head and heart. None of regret or want... but of why. As I explained to my friend, my moment of craziness, I felt for the first time tears fall down my cheeks. Why after 31/2 years I was just able to walk away and not get stopped. Why I unable to get the love I needed. Why... Why... Why...
My dear friend was able to talk some sense into my heart and brain so I was able to sleep that night. The next day I did what I only new how to do and texted the source of my problems. The best thing we both did was be open and honest about all of our concerns and fears. In the end no one but him and I could have answered the questions I know I had... and I am sure he had.
We all have a choice in our lives of which path to start down. I am able to start down my healthy, refreshed, and ready for my new life. For me, I realize now it was probably not healthy to have had an absent of emotion. I am a person filled with emotion. Not to cry or to feel anything ,would not be human for me. I was able to work out some of my feelings I just tucked away...
Hopefully one day JKJ and I will be able to be friends. We have shared too much not to be apart of each others lives in some form. I know I will always have a certain love for him... regardless of where I am in life.
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